It was our 13th anniversary on Tuesday and it was so nice to celebrate our love! Rob was so sweet and had gotten me gorgeous roses - we got gussied up and went out to a lovely dinner at Market in Del Mar...delicious. It's one of those "foodie" places where all the flavors pair so amazingly together - every single thing was delightful!
Reflecting back on these 13 years, we are so incredibly blessed. We have had more fun together, laughed so much, loved so deeply and truly and I am so grateful to have such a true partner. These past few months in particular keep reminding me of how steadfast and loyal Rob is - I couldn't ask for a better partner through this crap, or in life. He is truly my best friend and I'm so very grateful for him! He always has the perfect thing to say when I'm feeling so frustrated and hopeless, he goes with me and quickly takes me back from Bluesy Pooville, he drives me to all my appointments and keeps my company while I'm tortured on that damn chair. He's encouraging, uplifting and makes me laugh...love that guy.
Not really sure there's much else to say but that.
After last week's chair ride I felt a smidgen of improvement in dizziness, and at this point, I guess I'll take it. We had a lovely weekend last weekend with some social stuff (wait for it) and even though I was still really struggling, compared to the 10/10 I've been feeling, any improvement at this point is clutch. Overall though, this just isn't getting better and in fact, I'm getting worse and worse over the past 2 months so it's so dang frustrating.
We went in on Tuesday of this week for a pre-scheduled appointment and more chair rides.
Here's fast if you're interested:
And slow:
After about an hour and a half of that nonsense, homeward we went. That day it was out anniversary which was so special, we rallied and went out to a lovely dinner (pics to come) and had such a great night.
On Wednesday I felt so much worse and actually had vertigo while sitting on the chair at the gym, it felt awful...so once I called the doc, it was back to the chair on Thursday. Special. Haven't had any improvement since so when I go to the doctor next week we might talk about taking a bit of a break from treatment for a while to give my poor inner ears a vacation.
On a happier note, I had a LOVELY visit from my good friend Ha and her little guy Jay - they were such a breath of sunshine around here. I was glad, Rob went golfing in Palm Springs with his buddies and I was thrilled he could get a break from spinnyville. I had dinner with some girlfriends and otherwise just did a lot of ensuring the couch wasn't going anywhere. I'm a pro at this point.
Had another spinny chair ride yesterday but this time was on the super duper mega insanity crackomatic chair up in Oceanside that go both super fast and crazy super slow. The hope is that if the regular chair isn't giving me permanent relief then maybe the MEGA chair would. That's not to say I wasn't nervous getting strapped in, that thing is formidable.
Rob took some video so people could get a sense of what it's like, I know it's always hard to visualize. First we did some diagnostic rolls with the goggles like we do on the regular chair down south. Here's some photos...I'm holding a massager to my head in some shots as we're trying to dislodge my "sticky" crystals even more. I mean, seriously, you just have to laugh with the insanity.
Here's the video of crazy insanity speed - I feel like the dudes from Spies Like Us. "Want some coffe?" (see 1:30 and I'm not really sure why the spanish subtitles...caliente!)
Unfortunately this is sideways, but here was fast speed. We did about a half hour of this insanity, and let me just say, I was about ready to confess to anything you'd want me to after that. Even crap that I had nothing to do with...SURE, I was the 2nd gunman on the grassy knoll, I shot J.R., I stole Amelia in Bermuda (she looked awful in those shorts, I couldn't help myself, she needed a shopping trip), hell, I even made Atlantis disappear.
Then after fast, we did 5 super slow 360 rolls...here's just a snippet of how slow it goes...you don't even see a full rotation it's so boring and slow. Hanging upside down is really hard - it's kind of symbolic, when you think about it. I can either tense up all my muscle and "fight" the experience which does me no good, or I can just relax and go along with it and just ride it out. Hmmmm. The Dali Lama would be so proud :)
Fingers crossed all this works. All I know is I felt extra horrible, dizzy and headachy when Rob drove me home yesterday and I'm hoping that's all for something. Today still feels awful but I'm still hopeful, I have to be. Here's something I'm learning about myself - I'm a freakin' fighter damnit. This is f'ing tough and I'm digging deep with everything I can, and I realize when I'm being flung all over the place and the doctors keep asking if I'm "up" for another chair rotation, that I'm made of some tough stuff. I'm proud to say that. Now, it'll be even better to look BACK on all of this with pride and see that I made it through, but for now, that's enough.
Well, the update me on me isn't much and I apologize in advance that it's not very positive. I find that I SO want to be positive and keep hope that it's hard for me to admit when I'm struggling, I don't want to bring anyone else down...but the fact is....I'm struggling. This is just the craziest thing and I'm suffering, pure and simple. It's such torture to suffer on a daily basis, to have not felt like "Beth" since MAY, to really struggle to swim through this damn brain fog, dizziness and sleep deprivation. I'm starting to get really panicked I won't ever get better and when my world is spinning at night, my thoughts especially go to a panicked place.
My sweet Rob is, as always, been such amazing support. He's such a trooper and is now even putting up with a lifted bed - he lifted the head of our bed to try to get my head even more elevated so I could lose one pillow of four - I'm beginning to think my neck is going to be permanently disfigured and wonky, cripes. My chair tech guy was laughing that at this point, we should start sleeping like the Coneheads:
"The stench would be great", indeed.
Rob's driving me to all my appointments, cheering me through all my visits to Bluesy Pooville (and rescuing me back quickly, that is NO place to hang out), holding my hand literally and metaphorically, etc, etc, etc. It's our 13 year anniversary next week and technically that's the gift of lace but I say boo to that - I SO wish I could give him my complete health as a gift - I am just so sorry this has affected him. This just sucks.
Anyhoo, before I wallow, just the facts ma'am. I left off last week prior to my doctor's appointment on Friday, and sure thing, I was back on the chair again. As always, we made progress, I felt hope, had a crappy weekend with worsening symptoms after the ride and then Monday had a beautiful day with less dizziness, it was lovely! It only lasted one day this time which was crushing, had vertigo Monday night. I'm heading to the doctor's "super speedy chair" tomorrow - this one can apparently do continuous 360 degree turns without stopping and can go super fast, he likened it to G force training for pilots. Um, super duper? Although honestly, at this point I don't give a crap. I'll do anything you'll tell me to if it'll mean this will go away. ANYTHING. Speaking of, here's the newest torture I have to go 4-5 times a day, 40 reps each without stopping. If you watch this video, this is in super slow motion, I'm doing them without stopping or resting, I'm like a damn ping pong ball and needless to say, I'm pretty woozy afterwards. I'm only supposed to do these when I feel worse so it'll further dislodge crystals prior to my next chair ride.
So, the positive before I end. First and most importantly, thank you ALL for your prayers for my Dad - it worked and we can all breathe a HUGE sigh of relief! For me, I'm digging deep this week, I've actually been wearing my "tiara of hope" (as my friend Kathleen calls it) and coloring on bad days to stay happy and keep my mind off my symptoms. I'm sure if you saw me you'd wonder if I was "special". SO grateful to my team of lovely friends and family checking in by phone, email, person, etc and am looking forward to dinner tonight with my Sister Wife Holly - I need it. I've been kind of keeping a mental list of things I'm going to do again once I'm better (reframing it rather than focusing on what I can't do) and here's just a few I'm meditating on...
Zumba - MAN, I miss dancing my butt off
Spin class
Massage - I need a big fat ol' massage once this is over and I can lay flat again, MAMA NEEDS!!!!!
Driving
Walking the dog without getting dizzy
Flying to Denver for that long-awaited and cancelled trip
I don't know how else to say that but it's been such a crappy week. I'm so sorry, I wish I could report to you that all was better. I'm really struggling at this point and don't want to complain but I figured I'd at least keep you guys updated since I have so many sweet people asking how I'm doing.
I went to the doctor on Monday for a chair ride and it was such a positive day - they were able to confirm that I had crystals still out of place in the right anterior inner ear canal so nice reinforcement of prior results. We did several treatment rotations and afterwards, I showed ZERO eye movement so we were so positive. Here's me on the chair - I can fake "all is well" pretty nice, don't ya think?
Rob and I went out to dinner to celebrate and we had such a great evening thinking all was well. But then I woke up around 2 am with mega vertigo and I was just so crushed. It's so hard to go through this emotional roller coaster and be such a victim to my symptoms, to not have any idea when and how this will go away, how long of a relief break I'll have (if any), etc.
Tuesday morning I called my MD right away and they asked me to come back in so we drove BACK to get back on that freakin' chair. I feel so guilty taking Rob away from work but of course he's happy to drive me and be with me - we're such a good team through this crap. Plus, I still can't drive. I tried driving to my hair appointment the other day and it was just awful - I was so dizzy and it was really scary. So anyhoo, back on the chair, more eye movement which showed the crystals fell back out of place over night. They explained it well to me at that visit, though, and showed us a great image of the anterior inner ear canal and reassured us that this is the most difficult canal to treat due to its formation. Here's a pic of the canal, it's the tallest one there in the blue sketch, so you can see (how they were explaining) how difficult it is to get the crystals up and over that high loop and then back down the correct canal to the right...and also how easy it is for the crystals to fall back down the "bad" way back down to the left if they're stuck up at the top. Sigh.
So anyway, another chair ride Tuesday and then AGAIN had spinning in the middle of the night on Tuesday. It's gotten to the point I just dread nighttime and that says something - I usually LOVE sleeping and can fall asleep right away. Now I wake up every half hour or so, am super scared about vertigo happening and I'm just exhausted in the morning. This is so damn frustrating. I've felt like crap ever since, my dizziness and fogginess is off the charts and I had vertigo again last night so I'm assuming I'm probably back on the chair again today, am waiting to hear from my doc.
I've promised myself not to end on a negative note, so as always, I want to focus on the positive. Again I'm so grateful for all the love and support I have from friends and family - I had a lovely visit from my friend Katie this week and I received the greatest "spinny chair survival kit" from two of my friends at work. It was hysterical and included this tiara and hat reminiscent of Fat Albert. I'm not going to lie, I've been wearing the tiara a bunch sitting on the couch, it makes me happy. I even answered the door wearing it the other day, ha!
And, I know I'm starting to sound like a crazy lady with my hummingbirds at this point but I don't care. I thought the "5 at once" thing was a once in a lifetime happening but it's actually happened now 5 nights in a row, right around 8 pm! It's so magical, they're all fighting and bitching and then all of a sudden, it's like a truce is called so they can all top off right before bed. I swear they're like a bunch of ADHD kids - I mean, who else could load up on sugar right before bedtime? :) I got a little video on my phone (sideways, sorry) but only was able to catch 3 of the 5, but I still think it's cool to have captured them all sharing. If you just think I'm a nutty lady with too much time on my hands, then...well...damnit, you're right.
I'm sure you're sitting at home right now, distraught with worry over your powerful and crippling curiosity of what Rob & Beth are up to. We get it. Never fear! A solution is here! Here's a little peek into our mundane and sometimes, just sometimes, exciting lives. Sit back, relax and enjoy...We're a good time. 'Nuf said.
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