August 08, 2012

Wah wah wah

Well, the update me on me isn't much and I apologize in advance that it's not very positive.  I find that I SO want to be positive and keep hope that it's hard for me to admit when I'm struggling, I don't want to bring anyone else down...but the fact is....I'm struggling.  This is just the craziest thing and I'm suffering, pure and simple.  It's such torture to suffer on a daily basis, to have not felt like "Beth" since MAY, to really struggle to swim through this damn brain fog, dizziness and sleep deprivation.  I'm starting to get really panicked I won't ever get better and when my world is spinning at night, my thoughts especially go to a panicked place. 

My sweet Rob is, as always, been such amazing support.  He's such a trooper and is now even putting up with a lifted bed - he lifted the head of our bed to try to get my head even more elevated so I could lose one pillow of four - I'm beginning to think my neck is going to be permanently disfigured and wonky, cripes.  My chair tech guy was laughing that at this point, we should start sleeping like the Coneheads:

 "The stench would be great", indeed. 
Rob's driving me to all my appointments, cheering me through all my visits to Bluesy Pooville (and rescuing me back quickly, that is NO place to hang out), holding my hand literally and metaphorically, etc, etc, etc.  It's our 13 year anniversary next week and technically that's the gift of lace but I say boo to that - I SO wish I could give him my complete health as a gift - I am just so sorry this has affected him.  This just sucks.

Anyhoo, before I wallow, just the facts ma'am.  I left off last week prior to my doctor's appointment on Friday, and sure thing, I was back on the chair again.  As always, we made progress, I felt hope, had a crappy weekend with worsening symptoms after the ride and then Monday had a beautiful day with less dizziness, it was lovely!  It only lasted one day this time which was crushing, had vertigo Monday night.  I'm heading to the doctor's "super speedy chair" tomorrow - this one can apparently do continuous 360 degree turns without stopping and can go super fast, he likened it to G force training for pilots.  Um, super duper?  Although honestly, at this point I don't give a crap.  I'll do anything you'll tell me to if it'll mean this will go away.  ANYTHING.  Speaking of, here's the newest torture I have to go 4-5 times a day, 40 reps each without stopping.  If you watch this video, this is in super slow motion, I'm doing them without stopping or resting, I'm like a damn ping pong ball and needless to say, I'm pretty woozy afterwards.  I'm only supposed to do these when I feel worse so it'll further dislodge crystals prior to my next chair ride. 

http://vimeo.com/26559815

So, the positive before I end.  First and most importantly, thank you ALL for your prayers for my Dad - it worked and we can all breathe a HUGE sigh of relief!  For me, I'm digging deep this week, I've actually been wearing my "tiara of hope" (as my friend Kathleen calls it) and coloring on bad days to stay happy and keep my mind off my symptoms.  I'm sure if you saw me you'd wonder if I was "special".  SO grateful to my team of lovely friends and family checking in by phone, email, person, etc and am looking forward to dinner tonight with my Sister Wife Holly - I need it.  I've been kind of keeping a mental list of things I'm going to do again once I'm better (reframing it rather than focusing on what I can't do) and here's just a few I'm meditating on...
  • Zumba - MAN, I miss dancing my butt off
  • Spin class
  • Massage - I need a big fat ol' massage once this is over and I can lay flat again, MAMA NEEDS!!!!!
  • Driving
  • Walking the dog without getting dizzy
  • Flying to Denver for that long-awaited and cancelled trip
  • Skiing
  • Snorkeling

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