What a year...

Wow - I just realized a year ago today, May 10th is when my vertigo hit.  Can you believe it?  Looking back at this year, I can't even believe how absolutely transformative it's been.  Partly I grieve for that pre-May 10th Beth and Rob because they have no idea what's about to hit them, we had such happy, fairly easy lives and I had absolutely no idea what it was like to suffer every single day and to struggle with something so significantly.  But, on the other hand I am so profoundly grateful for so much!  And rather than look back at this year and wallow in bluesy pooville, I choose to look back in gratitude.  And here is just a short list off the top of my head of what I am so grateful for this year:

• patience - I really have learned to be still and peaceful and quiet, which as anyone who knows me - is exactly the opposite of my true self.  It's actually done me a lot of good to just BE.  You can learn a lot about life that way, you know?
• inner strength - holy cow have I learned a lot about my inner resilience that I didn't even know I had.  You try living every single second of every single day as if you just got off the Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the fair and then try to be friendly and nice to people, much less cook and work out and continue just...living...and you'll learn a lot about your inner reserves.  I can't help but look back with a sense of tremendous pride that I've made it this far and will continue to "make it".  Damn it, I'm so proud of myself!
• support - I've said it before and I'll never tire of saying it - we have SUCH an incredible support network.  From Rob and every little thing that he has done and said for me to people calling, texting and taking me to lunch for emotional pick me up's, to people driving me to stuff since I can't drive, to my sweet mother in law sending me a card literally weekly to lift my spirits, to people who never tire of asking me how I am and what the latest is with my health, thank you.  You have kept Rob and I afloat and you are our personal angels. 
• health - wow, I guess you never know what you've got until it's gone, eh?  I'm so incredibly grateful for the health I DO have.  I do keep reminding myself what I have isn't deadly, contagious or permanent, and while this has been an incredibly difficult year - this is ultimately a temporary blip in my lifeline.  It's a woven part of my story now, but I refuse to let it define me.  It will ultimately make me a better person and a better therapist, but it hasn't robbed me of this time of my life, I simply haven't let it.  I keep on living even while feeling like crap.  I really did decide early on in this experience that I wasn't just going to sit on the couch and allow life to pass me by and that has made a huge difference emotionally - I was in a really scary place for those 1st two months, as I have shared with some of you, and I'm profoundly grateful I'm out of that horrible time.  I'm so grateful for the health I DO have and the movement forward.  Speaking of...
• progress - it's happening and I'm so very thankful for it!  I have to point it out and give gratitude for it, no matter how small or how slow it is, it simply IS progress and I celebrate it!  I'm not longer falling - I'm not running into things as often (my bruises are smaller, huzzah!), my balance is getting better during exercises at the gym, I can walk down the hallway in the dark at home to the laundry room, I can nod/shake my head while talking, my walking gait is normal, I appear totally normal to the outside observer (that's the doozy with this nerve damage, apparently - my brain "lies" to my central nervous system but I look rock-solid and balanced on the outside, per my neurologist and physical therapist), I'm gaining confidence grocery shopping, I'm having some breakthrough less foggy days intermittently, etc.  And those are all things that may sound small to you, but are amazing to me.  
• my team - holy cow am I grateful for all of the doctors and professionals I've seen this year.  I've had anywhere between one and three appointments a week over this last year and while that's exhausting, they're also who have diagnosed and treated this body of mine and I'm so thankful we live in a city with such experts, and not somewhere remote where we don't have access to such great healthcare.  I feel really lucky to be so close to so many experts so we could have so many 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc opinions and as one doctor said to me "the last thing you want to be in medicine is interesting - we're all aiming to be boring patients but at least you have a good team around you" and I thought that summed it up perfectly.  And last but not least:
• life is beautiful - it just really is.  I've always been such a happy person, but going through this has been freakin' HARD.  I've been really blessed to have never had to be chronically "ill" and I still don't define myself that way, but going through this thing day after day certainly grates, and I've just instead made a choice to be focused instead on the beauty that surrounds me.  Like, on some of my hardest days, instead of isolating inside, I go outside and hang out with our lovely neighbors and all of those hilarious little kids with all of their sunshiny energy - there's absolutely no way to feel sorry for yourself with kid energy running around, you know?  It's an instant boost.  Same with snuggling with Galileo, looking at our hummingbirds dive bombing each other, watching a good movie, reading a good book, or just being next to Rob.  Life is ultimately good.  I don't know whether or not this was meant to happen, all I know is what I'm taking from it, and that's the choice that I've made not to let it rob me of my "Bethness".  Vertigo-0.  

Love you all!